Wanting More?

I love reading other people's blogs, but in some small sense, I feel as though I'm intruding...intruding into their personal thoughts, feelings, emotions and most of all, their personal space...

I haven't been to bed all night, I just could not sleep...no, Adderall XR doesn't help in that area either but, its just been one of those days....

I haven't been off work for this long in months and I've been off technically since Friday...so I'm kinda winding down from this non-working "High"...

Anyways, back to the topic of "wanting more"...I read it on a fellow bloggers page and it got me to thinkin'...

yeah, I know...here she goes...

Wanting more...Its always a good thing to want more, set your sights higher, have ambitions and goals and steadily work towards them while taking small amounts of relaxing breaks to regroup, re-focus and re-energize...

I've always wanted more...my whole life, more money, more square footage, more bathroom space, more time...that's a biggie for me, I always need more time..

But did you ever notice that by wanting more, sometimes, you end up with less?

Or you end up taking steps in the opposite direction only having to work harder to get farther ahead..I did that when I got married the first time, I took steps backwards totalling 9 years backwards...I had to start all over again from scratch to define exactly what I thought I wanted to become while bringing some kids with me through that big nasty snow-storm...

Most people say "1 step forward, 2 steps back" but in my case, it was 1/2 step forward 6 steps back, going forward again with 40 more pounds on my back....

Its not really a secret that I had my first kid at 16, so there I was, barely getting through the teenage years with a child attached at the hip..I never was able to complete my "formal" education because I had to start over with the alphabet and potty-training my daughter...I tried to hang in there as long as I could, my parents helped a great deal by keeping her while I went to school and worked full-time..

Back then, there was no help for people like me, the majority of it was cold, hard criticism..."how could you do that, what will people think, how do you intend to support this child, blah blah blah"...at least that's what I heard...

My sex-education lecture from my mother was, "Don't let yourself get backed into a corner you can't get out of!"...okay...whatever that is???

Anyways, that's neither here nor there, but I had to switch my focus from that point on, because who in their right mind would allow someone like me into a college dorm? That's the question my assistant principle asked me in the 10th grade...

Good Bye Medical School, hello mommy! So, I married (not the child's father) a man that appeared to have all his *&^% straight! Don't ever judge based on appearances because I blew that one!

From the time I was 12, I wanted to be in medicine...at that time though, I wanted to be Quincy ME! When I was 14, I decided I wanted to be a neurosurgeon...I soaked up all the biology I could...I was great at math, I was an A student, I was ready...

Then baby came along...I wasn't ready for that, but ready or not, here she comes!

Much later, after 4 kids, I still knew I wanted to be in medicine..but, nursing was not for me...To be a nurse, one should be prepared to learn everything about everything..and if they can't, they shouldn't be a nurse unless the plan is to specialize in some area...but..before they can do that, they still have to know a little about a lot...

I wanted to know a lot about a little in a sense...

Being the "neurotic davinci" that I am, I know I am an artist, I just don't know what kind...so, I knew I had to figure out one thing I could be great at...

The uh..."jack of all trades, master of none" seemed to fit, but I want to grab one thing, and just shine it up!

I have no memory for "a lot" of things, I have to pick one thing, and memorize it, study it over and over and over until it finally clicks!! Then I have to learn how to apply it...

I am that person who can take it this week and abandon it next week...I want something so badly, then, when I get it, I play with it a while, then it disappears and I never think of it again...

That's a horrible trait to have!! I hate that trait about me most..

I like to write stuff, but I'm not good with words and I'm a very simple person..
to be an effective writer, one has to talk it up, sell it, make it look great! I can't do that, I'm plain jane, black & white, no beating around the bush kinda girl...

I like to draw pictures, and I'm sorta good at that, but I have to be in the mood..and to draw and really define...you can't just do it on a whim, or at least I can't...

I like to do crafty stuff...I get into it for about an hour...then, I leave it behind..

The love of my life teases me about these things...its cute when he says stuff like, why do you want that? you won't want it a month from now...


I know he's right too...but still...I just don't like that part of me...

I had no follow through when it came to disciplining my kids because if I did punish them, like a grounding for something, 2 days later I (and conveniently they) would forget that I grounded them, and for that matter, I didn't know what I grounded them for...

When I say I want more, I can't trust myself...I'm impulsive, disorganized, forgetful, naive, goofy and flighty...

As hard as I work at work, I'm very lazy at home...I can sit in the chair all night thinking about all the stuff I need to be doing yet not ever trying to get up to do it..

Its a great thing that hunky doesn't care, cause if he were the type to be controlling...whew...he'd be alone!!

That phrase, "wanting more" just depresses me! I know I want more, I'll work 30-12 hr shifts in a row with no problem, I don't care about that...I do that just to get the things I think I need to have to meet the "having more" description..

But only if there was a way to set my mind to something and achieve it and appreciate it for the long term instead of just abandoning it shortly after I've obtained it...

Maybe that's the "more" I need to be wanting...
Maybe, just maybe I need to be thinking about wanting what I already have, maybe I need to want to be content in some areas...

But...That wouldn't be me now would it?? :)

Maybe, I'll just stick to wanting more time and more sleep and a maid to clean up my dusty home and more hours at work to make more money to buy the things I'll play with for a couple of hours and abandon in a month...

That's me, that's who I am!

kT

October 20th, and all is well....

Well, my birthday is officially over and I'm sad about that....
I wish it could have been just a little longer!!

Its my only time to really celebrate and reflect on my life!

I've been alone on birthdays before and those times were sad, but today, I had the love of my life, his daughter, my 2 dogs and my rabbit here with me...

My girls called, all but one, my brothers called and my parents called me to wish me happy times. My father called from Denver, he's supposed to be back home in about 4 hours from now, Mom and Grandma called from Tx, older bro e-mailed from Tx, younger bro called from Washington and my girls are all here in town...

My 30th birthday was very hard to swallow....I didn't have anyone to celebrate with, so I drank a few beers and went to bed...now that I'm coming up on 40 in a couple years, I feel that that milestone birthday won't be so tragic!

I'm actually looking forward to it! I feel like I finally know what I want to do when I grow up and I feel like I've already achieved so much! So, the future doesn't appear so dim...

I am however not looking forward to some of the events that are to transpire over the next 10 years...my mom was born when my grandmother was 45 years old, so that makes my aunts and uncles all over the age of 76...

With my father now having cancer, that also doesn't look so good...

You know that saying, people are in your life for a moment, season or for life?

I like the people that come in and go out quickly because I don't get attached, it doesn't hurt so badly when they leave, but the people that come in for a season, sometimes they tend to teach you a little something before they make their exit and the one's that are there for life are usually only there until their lives are over...and sometimes that happens rather quickly...

My mother's mother I adored...she taught me so much, she had a big hand in raising me and she always made me laugh....she exited my life when I needed her the most, I was 23 years old and I felt sometimes like I got jipped....

My cousins, who were older, got way more time with her than I and I hardly thought that was fair....

It crushed me when she died, and it still hurts..I can remember her calling my name and some of the things she would say...

hmmm, I better change the subject, I'm getting teary eyed thinking about her...

sorry...

anyways...

People change so much in their life time, I can't be carefree anymore, I can't party all night and I feel so old in the mornings when I crawl out of bed and my ankles just don't want to move like they once did...I feel so out of shape....

My hair is gray, my skin is 38 years old and wrinkles are starting to appear and my feet hurt so badly after 12.5 hrs at work...and they're literally crying after 3 days in a row of working....I have no close friends anymore because I wouldn't be able to keep in touch even if I had them

But, through it all, I have my soulmate, a comfy old home, my cute little jeep wrangler and a paycheck for as long as I can keep working...

I wouldn't trade any of it for being 19 again, that's for sure...

Some things I miss, some things I don't and here's to accepting change...whatever changes are to come!!!

Cheers....

kT

Hi, My name's Katie and My Father has Cancer!

I've been off for a while, as most of you have seen, because I've been dealing with a few things in my life.

My father was diagnosed a few weeks ago with Lung Cancer. But before the final verdict was in, I was angry with him for something he had done. What he had done is now irrelevant, but at the time, it was a big deal to me! The night he told me he officially had cancer, I brushed that to the side and went off on him for his actions a few days prior. I had unloaded on him that he hurt me and what he did could have potentially (and still could) caused harm on more than just one person that is important in my life...including him.

As angry as I was over that, I am not so angry about that issue so much anymore. Now its time to focus on the real issues!

My dad's cancer...My dad has smoked for a long time, and he's a heavy smoker, more than 2 packs per day for over 40 years. He's 61 years old right now. He weighs less than 110 lbs and he's very frail in appearance. You can probably count all of his ribs and vertebrae. I love my dad, but I am concerned about what happens now.

He had a biopsy, CT scan, PET scan and the works and the surgeon has told him that he should consider a lobectomy. Apparently, the plan is to try to shrink the mass in his left upper lobe and then remove that lobe.

My father and mother were told that it would be a simple procedure....aren't they all?
This worried me, I worked in an LTAC for a couple of years and I've weaned the unweanable, I've mourned the loss of the weanables and I've sent on to nursing homes the patients that wished to remain on vents. One particular case reminded me of the situation my father is now in.

This patient had cancer in his upper lobe, the physicians chose (after multiple failed weaning attempts) to perform a lobectomy. I couldn't believe the physicians would opt for this given the condition of the remaining lung lobes. This patient would never survive off the vent if they performed a pneumonectomy....his lungs were shot.

Remembering that patient, I sent my father an e-mail. He lives a few states away from me and since I can't be there to speak my concerns to his physicians/surgeons, I decided to send my father my concerns so that he could discuss them with his Dr.s...

I sent him some information regarding lobectomies...just general info, and then I sent him my concerns on his current state of health and what would happen if he had the lobectomy...and then I sent him the story of the patient I had that had a lobectomy that is now stuck on a vent, or I don't know, he could have passed on since then...

My father drinks on a daily basis, more than 4 beers a day every day and he continues to smoke, more than 2 packs of cigarettes per day...

I asked him to ask the physicians involved what condition his other lung lobes are in, and I asked him to find out how they will handle him should he show signs of withdrawal from the alcohol...

His blood pressure is currently being controlled through medication and he is on medication for his high cholesterol. I know that these issues can be controlled during and after his surgery, but what worries me is the withdrawals to the alcohol and the fact that he may not make it off the ventilator.

I don't believe that for one second he and my mother are prepared for this type of surgery..financially, mentally or in any other way....

My mother intercepted the e-mail that I sent for my father..she was slightly ticked off....she called his pcp and informed him of the few issues that were concerning me..the pcp said he would like to meet with my parents next week as he was uninformed of the lobectomy scheduled by the surgeon...

I'm hoping that the pcp can shed some light on this situation for them and maybe deter them from making a decision like this...

I'm afraid that this could be devastating to the whole family...not so much that it may possibly work, but moreso that it won't work out at all...

He's physically not fit enough for the surgery, he hasn't stopped drinking/smoking...and his lungs, according to the report I've read, are full of bullae..........

I don't know I don't know I don't know....

In my book, my dad has lived 10 years longer than I thought he would, so I'm surprised...but I'm not surprised he has cancer..it was either that or cirrhosis...

Of course now, it is just a matter of time..we play the waiting game...I really hate that...

In the mean time, I would like to hear some other opinions on this matter..if anyone has anything that could help me help my dad...please offer some suggestions...

I know my father, and I know he's not been brutally honest with these physicians and I suspect that they're taking his word for truth when he downplays his bad habits.

I love my dad, but I don't want to see him on a vent for the rest of his life and I don't want to see my mom having to solely make a decision to terminate the life of her husband of 40 years when things don't go as planned....

I don't want to see this happen to them because the physicians tell them it will all be just fine!

I'm not looking for alternative therapies...I'm looking for other reasons to not go through with this surgery...I'm afraid that I'm not properly armed to get into a mind war with these physicians...and I like a good mind war!!!!!

Especially when I win :)

Help me friends...help me out here, I'm counting on y'all.....

kT

Reality Television or mindless TV

I must admit I have been wholeheartedly consumed in various reality tv shows and I have to say that I must be truly bored out of my mind!! I never used to like reality tv and now I find it sickeningly entertaining. I think I've gone backwards in time to my 9 year old brain...no, I can't even say that, I wasn't interested in that stuff back then either...What's going on with me? Why am I even slightly interested? I know that I've been so absorbed in my work for the last 3 years and maybe because I'm having to actually use my brain at this RT stuff I'm seeking out mindless entertainment and I just happen to find it in reality TV...I guess...

Before my mid-life change of career, I had mindless jobs that I could do with my eyes closed and I went home most evenings searching for something challenging...as if my relationships weren't challenging enough.....

I just get sooooo very tired and I get home at 8 pm and all I want to do is sit in my chair and be mushy-brained until bedtime...

I had the last 3 days off work and I return for a 12-hr shift tomorrow and all I did today was fade in and out of sleep on the couch with the tv in the background...

I did get up and get TLOML an anniversary gift though...does that count for something?

Today marked our 5th anniversary of dating...I hunted all around for Season 1 of "Twin Peaks" but couldn't find it anywhere...so I bought Season 2 and a nice card for him with a written "IOU" for the first season....

TLOML and I have watched Anna Nicole, Flava Flave 1 & 2, I love New York, Rock of Love and other stuff and I would never have watched that before!!!!

Now he informs me that ILNY2 will start Sunday....right now, if I had energy, I would kick and scream and yell "NO WAY!" I'm not watching that!!!!

And today's latest news..."Danny Bonaduce".....I have only one thing to say about that....

"That guy's a FREAK!" why would anyone in his right mind jump on a psychotic freak and think that nothing would happen from it????


"I want to show how stupid I am, I want to go audition for reality television and I don't care what I have to do to get on a show!"....do these people really think they'll gain something from all of this???

I mean really, people seriously only get 15 minutes of fame anymore...the industry has become so large and infiltrated that that's all the time you're basically allowed!

cracks me up!!

and what really has my gut busting is the fact that I watch this crap....4 maybe 5 shows in a row in one night....

I need to get out and get a life, hobby, work-out, whatever...I'm sick of t.v. these days...

but, my lazy arse won't get up off this daggum chair!!!

help me please.............................

kT