Wednesday, June 25, 2008

And the clock ticks on....

I arrived into Texas Sunday morning at 4:30 am. I had no problem making the last 2 hours of the 12 hr drive because I cried practically the whole way from the Texas border to my mother's front door. I cried because I just wanted dad to hang in there until I arrived. I didn't want to not be able to say goodbye.

I don't know what its like to live without a father and I'm not ready to live without my dad. He's always been there even though he was over the road a lot.

I remember back when I was 16, I had a teacher that I truly adored, she was great and she taught English Lit. America was at war, and I don't remember now with what country, but my teacher came in commenting how she gave America a week and we would all be dead. This, shouldn't have been said, but stuck with me through the rest of that day and all night. I woke up just fearful that what she had said was truth...
I went into mom and dad's room crying because I feared what she said may come true. I told my father what she said and he put his arm around me and said.."That country is about the size of the state of Georgia, they can't possibly have the strength to abolish all of America!" He said that I shouldn't worry about that stuff and "America will make it past the millennium!"

He was right...and he made me feel so much better....

I was so tired when I got here Sunday and I talked to my mother about my father's condition and we cried a bit, I fell asleep for about one hour and then we drove up to the hospital to see dad.

I work around ventilators everyday and I suction patients, talk to them, joke with them, etc...but nothing prepares you for seeing your father on a ventilator!

I just wanted to cry some more...and I did...

We spoke to the Dr. that morning and he showed us the x-rays and the ct of dad's lung. Dad has virtually no left lung. It is supposed to be working, but for whatever reason, its not. The right lung is completely whited out with pneumonia/infection. The ventilator was in the control mode, he was on 60% fio2 and his peep on 5, tidal volume of 400. His saturations were at the time fluctuating between 89% and 96%. He was awake and agitated. The doctor recommended 3 - 4 days to see if the antibiotics could kick in and help resolve the pneumonia. I agreed to that.

The next couple of days were just plain hell with dad, the nurses couldn't keep him sedated and balance his pressures and heart rate. I was so concerned because how can he fight pneumonia if he's agitated, in pain and without adequate pain control. They had him on a special mattress that turned to help drain his lungs. He didn't care for that mattress and the agitation just seemed to get worse when the mattress turned.

We don't have those mattresses at our hospital and so when I see complete white out of the lung, pretty much, the patients don't survive it.

But they spoke so highly of the mattress, so I felt okay giving him the extra couple of days.

Yesterday was mom and dad's 41st anniversary. I didn't know if it would be a great time to "give them a card"....I didn't know how to deal with that...
obviously neither did any one else....she hasn't received a single card in the mail wishing them a "happy anniversary"....

How sad!!!!

Last night, I spoke with the doctor on my mother's behalf, there's no change in the x-ray or ct scan....

He asked us not to make any rush decisions and talk it over with the rest of the family. I said okay, and I told him that because of their anniversary, I wasn't going to make any decisions...

So, mom and I finished our visit with dad and because of the weather, we left a little early. It was raining pretty hard outside and we drove around to the parking garage and ducked in out of the rain. We just sat in a parked car crying our eyes out....its time...its time to stop his suffering...

We know that it could take weeks to fight off this pneumonia possibly risking and battling other types of crisis along the way. We know that his lack of weight is an absolute factor and we know that he's beginning to become edematous.

We know all of the risks. But still, we don't want to choose this...we don't want to face the inevitable...no one wants to face it..

Dad can answer our questions with a shaking of the head or motion of the hands...

How can you elect to terminate life support for someone, when on the support he's on, is in his right mind?

We know if we remove the ventilator, his lung can't take over, it would wipe him out quickly....

His passing might kill us! At least that is what it feels like....

Time is starting to slow down for me. Every time I look at my watch, its like time just goes by so slowly...

Today, we went for the 8 am visiting hours, and my mother had to stop in the hallway of the ICU...she couldn't go any further, she couldn't breathe, her heart was beating so fast....she just had to stop...

I know its not easy for her, its not easy for me either...but, we are now face with a decision none of us want to make...

When faced with such a decision, you must review your options carefully and with strength and compassion make that decision....

Fuck that!!! This hurts!!!

It seems as though the only thing left to pray for is for his heart to stop and for God to take him like that so that we don't have to make this decision..

I don't want to kill my father!!!
I don't want to watch him suffer either.....

tick tock tick tock tick tock..........

kT

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