Friday, July 27, 2007

You had to be there!

It had been threatening rain all day, very gloomy and gray outside. I didn't turn the pool pump on because of the way it looked outside but I sent the dogs out early this morning to do their business and they came in immediately. I've been playing a bit with the digital camera trying to get some good footage of Spankster for his myspace page, but I always end up putting it through the editor and taking snapshots of each frame that looks like it would be a great photo...I don't know why I do that because then I ruin the "movie" as a whole...though it's not a complete waste of time in doing that, I'm still not getting a great video of the worlds most coolest dog...hehe

Anyways, I tried to get some more footage today before the rains came, but again, as usual, all I get is great photos..

Then I was supposed to go to G'mas house tonight to have dinner with her and TLOML and his daughter were supposed to go to a concert..Buck Cherry or something like, around 1700 we're all getting ready to leave to do what we gotta do and I put the hounds away, wish them all a great night and head out to the JeeP.

I get in the JeeP and head out east and it starts to rain, its thundering outside, but it's not pouring rain at this point. I turn onto the highway and I'm in the left lane, I get about 2 miles from home and all of a sudden it clears up...

This weather is just crazy.. anyways, about 6 miles down the road I hear this LOUD crash to my left, I look over there, a thin BRIGHT light coming down out of the sky hits a thing I see is a fire on the power heart is beating uncontrollably and just like a camera flash, the light is stuck in my eyes..
that was too close for my comfort...I've only in my 37 years of life seen lightening far off into the distance...this was just too close...

I clutch the steering wheel and start praying the Lord's prayer..just get me to g'mas house without any trouble...just about that point I start smelling something, I don't think I saw the lightening hit me...but why am I smelling this? I'm way past the point of contact, but wow, it was consuming the inside of the JeeP!

I turned off the air, rolled down the window but I could still smell it...

I just couldn't believe it!

well, I got to g'mas house and we had dinner, but that left her without bread, so I went out and got her some bread, ice cream and chocolate syrup for the ice cream...
we had a nice time, my gut is full and I'm pretty content now..

I'm just really glad that I wasn't the one hit by the lightening, I don't think I'll ever forget that vision in all my life!

I definately won't forget the sound either...

have a great night!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Don't read this, it's depressing! :)

Just how much can one person take? I guess its pretty much individualized!
After my little teary eyed weepy session last week, I really just thought that the "backstabbers" would have a field day calling me a "cry baby". I thought wrong, they really went too far this time....I have some good friends where I work, I don't generally socialize with co-workers but on occasion I might. There are some people at work that "have my back" and come to me yesterday stating that since I had my "nervous breakdown" last week, they're surprised I'm back at work...I said, "What nervous breakdown?"....well you all know how rumor mills work...but the situation was that I was piled on and piled on until I just couldn't take it...I'm the charge therapist working with a great therapist who hasn't been trained properly in admitting patients and that particular day we had 3 admissions. I was only informed of 2 and the 3rd was a complete surprise. I learned of the "surprise" admission at 1700 hours and it was due to arrive at ...hmmmm...1700 hours! 2 patients going bad before 1000, pcc meeting at 1030, 8 patients going out to the hospital for x-rays because our x-ray machine was down, 3 of those 8 being my patients, 2 of those being my patients on I still have my 6 patients to care for in the meantime 2 of which are weans!
I'm the only therapist out of 2 on for that day that can do admissions, admission assessments, putting in orders, trach care, care plans, sending sputum samples, abg's, and filling out paperwork on each new admit! I also had to do the scheduling for the next shift, run abg controls and set up all the rooms for the admits and be present when they arrive to put them on vents/trach collars...

My other therapist was having some personal issues so he started out the day, worked until about 1300, was replaced by a great therapist who also hasn't really been officially trained in admissions and she could only stay until 1800 until the evening therapist could come in 1 hr early to replace her!

hmmm, I never thought of having a "NERVOUS BREAKDOWN"...but I should have...
standing in my office (out of the general public) calling my other night shift therapist to beg him to come in early so I could catch up, I began to become "teary" eyed while begging in LOW tones that I couldn't handle all of this!

I am 3 years out of respiratory school at the end of July 2007! I worked 10 years accounts payables before entering respiratory school! When things started "changing" at work, cutbacks and all, very good therapists began to leave...or go to night shift...I was completely not ready to be thrown into charge therapist at that point! I was never trained for the lead position but there wasn't anyone left to take it and the ones that were there put it in writing that they wanted to refuse the position...

Please kill me now!! I'm confident in the things I know, I'm still learning, I just passed my RRT in June of this year....I'm not ready for this...nor do I want it!

I just want to be an indian, I don't want to be a chief!

Drastic cut backs, performing respiratory duties from back in the ice ages, can't get what you need because it costs money, figure out another way!!!

Do what you can with what you have and be glad you have a job!

The first 2 years, I rarely complained, and if I did, I waited for the most part to come home and complain to the LOML...

The last 6 months however, I'm gettin a little edgy!

"nervous breakdown" ha ha ha...that's a good one!

I love my patients, I love my fellow therapists, I love most of my nursing staff and I love 90% of my cna's...but administration....they can take a friggin leap!

Do I like torcher? This facility will be the absolute death of me if I don't figure out a way to deal with this crap every day without getting teary eyed!

Good news is, I didn't lose control yesterday or today...but I feel it coming...

I'm ashamed and embarrased about losing control, I'm especially embarrased that it turned into something much more than that outside the privacy of my own office!

I laughed and smiled everyday without fail for my first 2 years there...
but I can't do it anymore...

Lord, Please help me find the strength to continue on in this place...

I just can't help but remember "if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem" and "how can you be a part of something you just don't believe in?"

I applied at this facility looking for ventilator experience so that I wouldn't lose what I had learned in school

this facility hired me on knowing full well that I was "green" to respiratory

they brought me patients in which to care for, they taught me very well how to care for them, respect them and their families, comfort them and their families, listen to them and their families and do all that I can do for the patients and their families...

now, I'm supposed to trash all that, become desensitized and work as though its just a job and my patients are just $$$$...

Had I been taught that in the beginning, I wouldn't be struggling so much now...

strike that last statement, I probably would have sought employment elsewhere...

Cause no where in Egan's Bible for Respiratory Care did I read that patients were just $$$$....

I must have missed that memo, and I didn't fail any quizzes or tests in resp school...


I feel hopelessly defeated!!

life is so rough!

I don't know, maybe I just need food and sleep!

tomorrow is a new day and I'm off for 24 hrs..

good night all!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Well My Friends, the time has come

I'm back to the countdown of hours left off work!!
it's 10:30 pm here so that means officially, I clock in in 8.5 hours...bummer!
I worked an 8 hr shift today at my PRN job, and like today, it's a vacation to me.
No alarms going off every 3 seconds, when you finish your rounds, you're done til something happens ie: ER calls, or next rounds come's so cake!
So needless to say, the anxiety starts to set in right about now!
I went to school to do something that I love to do..don't get me wrong, I do love what I'm doing, I just don't care for administration and how they handle their end of things...its like you're cruisin along and then you hit an administrative speed bump...they don't ask you what you're doing, if you're busy, if you're standing around picking your a**..they don't care what you're doing or what your schedule is for the day, they always find some way to throw a wrench into your best laid's not fair!
I wish I could reciprocate sometimes...believe me when I say I tried it once, it backfired on me! Blew up right in my face, literally...dragged behind closed doors so that the higher up could jump all down my back side...all because of what?? because we were short handed and I happened to inform a family member that if she didn't like that the patient was being "neglected" kinda...she should take it up with administration..cause they're the ones that won't let me call someone else in to assist when someone calls off leaving 2 therapists on the floor to handle 13 patients a piece... WTF...okay, now that I know that was oh so wrong, will someone please tell me what to say next time, because administration believes that I should basically play it off that I'm incompetent and that my beloved patient wasn't weaning that day because hmmm, well, I guess because I don't give a rats a**...somewhere I believe I heard the word schmooze in there..???
again I ask, when in the bleep did healthcare become a business?? cause I didn't get that patient's aren't some damn expense report!! they're my patients, my patients that I'm responsible for, that I and MY state License are responsible for...and again I ask, if I can't give my patients my best when I'm at my worst, wtf am I supposed to do??
I know that all my fellow therapists are top notch, but sometimes I truly believe that no one can care for my patients the way I do!
my favorite physician goes around telling my patient's families that when I lay my hands upon my patients, I heal them...that's not entirely true, however, I do take very good care of my patients and by noon, 95% of them have clear breath sounds...
because I care! I don't over suction, but I know who to pay special attention to and I know which patients need a bit of lasix...
so my favorite physician and I work very well together to get the patients the very best!
I love my patients and I love what I I love my job? hmmm, let me think on that one...
I wish my hands had such healing powers as fave physician states, but I can't own up to that...
if I could do what I want without administration ruining my day, my patients would all wean off the ventilator some how...
I say that I always take my patients home, either to their mortal home here on earth, or their afterlife home wherever that is for them...but I get them where they need to be when I'm on the job!
it breaks my heart that my skills are being limited..
I had a fellow RT student back in school say that she just wanted to be "competent", well girl, I want to be more than that, I pray everyday that the Lord help me to be the best I can be for me, my patients, their families and for my fellow workers..
I want to be better than competent! I want to be the best in my dreams of becoming a D.O. are still alive and burning inside of me..but until I can pass my MCATs, I'm going to be the best RRT I can be...I owe everyone that much!
thanks for listening...
signing off..
Good Night & God Bless
p.s. Sorry for the foul language..

Friday, July 20, 2007

Fab Friday Con't

Okay, so I can't relax....I brought the laptop out to the pool...
did I ever tell ya about my "petting" zoo?
at least that's what the LOML calls our house...
I have 2 dogs and a rabbit..what a zoo huh?
My girl dog is 3, she's a sheltie/golden mix, she loves to go canoeing, catch frisbees and sticks and she loves to swim! she also likes to sit at the river with LOML while he pretends to fish...very smart, polite girl...
Then, there's my lil all-american eunich! he's a st.'s 1 year old...100lbs of baby puppy! He doesn't do much and he will make a great porch dog one day! he's afraid of everything but he does like to take a ride in the jeep only he can't jump so its getting hard for me to lift his back end up in there...the only thing interesting about him is he has his very own myspace can check him out and add him to your friends lists if you have a page... the site is
send him a msg before requesting him though, he gets a lot of porn spam...poor guy..
its bad for his baby eyes...
and last but not least, there's Spazzzy the rabbit! My rabbit with attitude!
Mr. Bun Bun is a piece of work, a real class act! He's very OCD imo. When I clean his 3-story condo, he gets really snotty and runs around madddddd, he starts throwing his toys and thumping and tries to chew on the whisk broom!! quite a site he is...he's the only bunny in the world that has funky teeth, they grow out to the side and every six months he has to have them ground down! The vet recommends that I have them pulled but she charges 75$ per tooth...wowo! that's highway robbery..
they all get along very well and they play nicely together in the kitchen. there are pics on spanky's page of all three of them...they're pretty cute!!
alright, I'm done for the night, the LOML is getting out of the pool, so I must kiss his face off for a while!
again, have a great weekend and I'll post more later

Fab Friday

today, I got up early (on my day off) to attend a meeting at work....hmmm, sometimes I feel as though I'm only invited to these things to hear someone spout out about all the changes that are about to come into play and it doesn't matter really what you think about it even though its told to you before hand that these meetings are for everyone and everyone is welcome to say what is on their minds...however, you sit there and listen to one person speak and at the end, they say, well, if there aren't any other issues, we may adjourn...thanks for coming...and you're left thinking, "I got out of bed, drove 15 miles for a mandatory 35 minute meeting and you're 1 of 4 other therapists and 15 of the other therapists didn't make the "mandatory" meeting...WTF? I could have slept later....

After the meeting, I stopped at a store to pick up a couple of articles of clothing to finish an outfit for my interview later this morning...

The interview went well, its for a PRN position at a very large hospital compared to the 2 hospitals I work at now. No, I don't need 3 jobs however one is full-time, the second is PRN but getting the hours at the PRN to match with my days off from the FT is a pretty difficult I'm hoping to increase my chances at some extra pay.

I was supposed to go see grandma today, but when I woke up this am, I had the beginnings of a dry-scratchy throat, as the morning went on and I left from the interview, my throat was getting worse, as I dug around in my purse I found 1 (I don't know how old exactly) halls cough that point, I didn't care how old it was, probably from last winter since I don't carry that purse very often...anyways, I stopped off at a filling station and bought some more for later, grabbed some lunch and set out for home.

I have been so tired lately and I can't attribute it to any one thing...I came home today, opened up the laptop and started to surf the thing I know I am waking up. I fell asleep on the couch, laptop on lap and head resting on the back of the couch...don't know how long I was dozed off for, but probably about 30 minutes I guess...that's what happens if and when I don't take my adderall... :)

I have one more day off and that's tomorrow then I work 5 shifts this week, 4-12 hr and 1-8 about tired...

anyways, I'll write more later, but right now, have to go to the pool, the LOML wants to swim and well, what kind of responsible RT would let him go unattended, I mean, I'd never forgive myself if he drowned! That wouldn't be right. I'm not swimming because I'm the penguin that hates the cold! it's <80 degrees out there and the pool is less than that...pssshh, I won't stick my feet in the water until its at least 90 degrees outside....I'm still waiting... :)

good night
God Bless

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Sunday All Day

Wow, what a day. I didn't get to bed until 0430 and TLOML and I had plans to visit a big flea market today about an hour away. We wanted to get there about 8 am, so that left little sleep for us, we ended up arriving at 0915, the place was packed but we were able to find a parking spot. We looked at everything practically on the first row, antiques, junk, collectables, trading items, brand NIB items and pets...
Now, get this, when you go to a flea market, you usually set out to purchase SOMETHING! What cracks me up is the fact that the vendors are shouting out to you, just short of harassment, to come look at their stuff...I like to just browse, if I find something I'm interested in, then I'll let you know! until then, be quiet and leave me be! What a contrast though, TLOML goes to purchase items to sell and I go to purchase items to keep! It was very hot but I brought with me some lemon tea, and as we browse, we wound up getting separated which for us isn't that uncommon, we have our phones with us, so we can usually find each other...he ends up going up the hill, and I went to the opposide side of the first row going back toward the beginning...well, again, not uncommon for us to separate, but a ways down, he calls me and says, where are you? I stated that I was going up the hill, lss, we were both on two separate We are both great lovers of puppies...we raised a litter of 7 one time and they were our babies...we have video to prove it! anyways, there were people there with all kinds of litters of pups..we really liked the golden retrievers, and he liked the one little jack russel that was left. We don't need more animals, having 2 dogs and a rabbit already, but we still love to look at puppies...who doesn't? we made a few purchases, him mostly, but we were there for about 3 hours, vendors were leaving before us! Had a great time. Then we drove to petsmart for some rabbit feed, bedding and litter, then we went for lunch...both of us hot, tired and ravenous we stopped at Joe's Crab Shack. Neither of us had ever been there before, but let me say, they have great food! and great service! talk about satiated! wow! now we were ready to get home and nap...and so we did! We took about a 4 hour nap and got up, played with the dogs, did laundry and now, it's time for bed!! What a day...we are both dreading going back to work tomorrow!
I have 3 twelve hour shifts MTW and then a 4 day weekend, he's unfortunate to have to go back to 5 eight hour days...
Good by kookie weekend, hello work!
I may or may not write again before Thursday, but until then,
God Bless and be safe!

Happy Sunday to all!

Today, I'm content...
yesterday (Saturday) I went to see my Grandmother, she is just absolutely adorable! She's 91 y/o and she's of sound mind, has the most perfect posture of anyone I've ever met, better posture than most teenagers these days..
She is still living at her house, relatively in good spirits most days and though she's lacking in a bit of vision and hearing, she's overall in great health!
I could only wish to be like her when I'm in my 9th decade of life. Not for one minute do I believe I'll actually live 9 decades, however, my maternal grandmother passed away at 90 y/o, if I wasn't a smoker and if I ate more veggies, I might have had a chance for such longevity...anyways, not a realistic vision though..
next stop, I came home, washed the smilin jeep to bring out its sparkling beauty, put the top down, thanked the Lord for such wonderful gifts in my life and drove off to my friend's house to help her study for her RRT clinical sims exam. I took that test not too long ago, in fact it was only 3 weeks ago, and I must say, it was a brutal exam. Being an ADD'er, I have to prepare months in advance for exams of this nature. I take it seriously since the exams cost money, they're not cheap, and I don't want to spend more than I have to on it. I grabbed all the books I used in school to assist in my success and I went to studying last year in November...needless to say, I passed, barely, but I passed nonetheless! I'm so greatful. If ever you need guidance for educational assistance from the Lord, seek out Proverbs 8 & 9. I'm especially fond of those Chapters because it speaks about education and there are a few passages about women & education! I read Proverbs 8 & 9 before my written exam and before my clinical exam. I like to think that God had been sitting in my lap during the exam maneuvering the mouse and picking the correct answers in times of my unsurety! I remember leaving the written exam thinking, "Wow, God does exist, he's computer literate, and he can operate a mouse via the use of my very hands!" I must admit, covered in "goosebumps" I cried at the very thought, because I passed and I wasn't sure how I did that!
When I needed him most, he's always been there for me, and for that I'm eternally in debted!
"focus Katie!" anyways, back to my friend, she has taken and passed the written exam, she has taken the clinical sims twice, this will be her 3rd time to take this test!
I'm at a loss! it was very hard for me, but I don't comprehend like "normal" people!
She can recite to you backward and forward all this info...but for whatever reason, she's struggling..
so, I studied with her last week, and again last night, but last night, I showed her Proverbs and I wrote down the chapters, I'm hoping that the things we went over and the biblical references, maybe, hopefully this time she'll pass...because everytime you take a portion of these exams, you pay cold hard cash!!
so, Grandma, I love you very much, I think of you and pray for you often.
CS, I wish you the best of luck on your exam, I hope and pray that you pass and you never have to take it again!!
To NBRC, Thanks for getting rich quick, your exams are hard, but if I have to study years in advance, I will not pay you twice for an exam!!! ( I know, I know, famous last words Katie!)
Good night all, thanks for reading this horribly long blog, Bless you all and sleep well!
Katie RRT

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

What a day!

Well, I'm sitting here thinking that I do not want to return to work tomorrow..These last minutes of my days off are just depressing. I do nothing important, I don't get out of the house most days and I'm just a couch blob...I'm not depressed though, please don't think that, I'm just exhausted mostly. Today is a bit different though, I logged on to KSDK's website, that's our local television station here in St. Lou and I see the headlines that Lady Bird Johnson has died...that is pretty sad! She was 94 yrs old. Is it just me or is time really flying by? I'm not that old or anything, I'm 37, but it just seems that here lately the days go by so fast. I can't catch up with time, I probably don't want to either, but....I don't know...I may die of boredom before any serious illness gets me, but we'll see..

My house is quiet, I'm listening to the laundry in the dryer turn around and the television's on some movie about Havana Cuba with Robert Redford...My dogs are in the kitchen lying on the floor, the rabbit is with them. It's sunny outside and the temperatures are cooler today than yesterday. Today is a day of detox for my body. I made up my mind to quit smoking after I passed my RRT exams, I started the process to quit by taking the new drug, "Chantix". The drug after a couple of weeks started making me ill. I quit taking it during that time, but I had quit smoking for a week prior to that. You're supposed to eat a meal when you take it and at my job, I can't seem to ever make time for breakfast before 10 am. Anyways, I returned to smoking for a couple of days, and today is my first pretty smoke free day. I've had 3 cigarettes in the last 2 days, 2 yesterday and 1 today. I'm also off caffeine..I think that's what is making me so tired! I haven't had any soda in 3 days...too much all at once. And if you haven't caught on by now, I also haven't taken my adderall in 5 days or so..the story on that is if I'm up at 0600 I'll take it, but most times on my days off, I don't get up until after 1000. I can't take it after 1000 or I'll be up all, I'm detoxing, that may explain my extreme exhaustion/lethargy/laziness whatever....
but I'm determined to quit smoking, I don't want to be a COPD'er like my patients....
I know all the reasons to stop smoking and no reason to continue, however, I've been a smoker since I was 15, minus all my pregnancies and for whatever reason when I was in my 20's I could just stop smoking for 3 - 4 months and then for whatever reason just start dumb is that?
I'm gonna get...laundry is done...may write more later, just don't know...
Good Night Lady Bird....Thank You for everything you've done!
Rest in Peace, My God Bless your family

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

All I hear is Static

So, I'm sitting here listening to BF's alarm ringing with static, he always has a siesta after work everyday religiously...I don't get it, he sets his alarm to get up, and then I'm the only one (other than the dogs and rabbit) that hear the's now 1842 and that alarm has been going off now for about 30 minutes...very nerve racking. Now I know what you're thinking, why don't I go up there and turn it off?? cause I'm a very lazy soul when I'm not at work..RT's run A LOT at work, so when I come home, I'm ummm attached to the couch ALL day! My BF works hard too, he's in manufacturing, but he gets up at about 0230 everyday to begin his shift, so when he gets home, he's pretty much ready for a nap! Anyways, I want pizza, so I'm going to get here off this mini pc and shut off his alarm, then I'm callin Pizza Hut!