Saturday, September 29, 2007

When you want something that you know you can't have!

I spent some time with the cutest little man today! My grandson is almost 2 years old and he's so cute! I spent a little time with him Thursday night and he was so wound up, he has so much energy and he runs around kicking and hitting with his little arms and legs and you try to tell him no, but then he looks at you with those big brown eyes and smiles at you and you can't get mad at him! He couldn't hurt you really if he tried, but you have to tell him no on some things. Today, he wasn't as energetic though, he just wanted to play with the basketball and the little rubber ball, but the family from Indiana had just arrived and were having a conversation with my parents and my grandmother, so to avoid all the loud noise from the little guy, we took a walk down the street that I grew up on. When I arrived though, my mother was trying to get him to take a nap but he wasn't going for it, so when I took him for a walk, he takes about 3 steps to my 1 step so I knew I had a chance of "wearing him out" on this walk. Every house we passed by had little kid's bikes in the yard and he kept trying to walk into the yards while saying "bike". I had to keep re-directing him toward the circle or "turn around" as we called it when I was a kid. So we walked up the street and back down the street and when we arrived back at Grandma's, we sat down and he wanted to get off my lap. He went over to the swing and grabbed his blanket, brought it back to me, then went back for his pillow and his sippy cup of milk. He climbed up on my lap and he layed down and finally fell asleep. He was a sight! I think he is just a cute little guy and I would love to spoil him rotten except for me and his momma don't get along very well.

I think my oldest daughter is a selfish little 21 year old brat who will stop at nothing to get what she wants not ever realizing that she hurts people in the process! When she was born, people used to tell me all the time that she was my "clone". Though she resembles me very much, her spirit and her will belong to that of her crazy psychotic sperm-donor father and I absolutely can't stand that about her!

I love my kids, but some times they try my patience so greatly that I just want to smack them...really hard! My oldest daughter is a compulsive liar and a selfish, manipulative, willfully obstinate CHILD! And on top of all of that, she's raising the cutest little guy, but who knows how he will turn out in a couple of years...
that scares me to no end! I'm afraid to get close to him because I'm afraid that in his mother's most psychotic episode, she would take him away from me and I would never see him again.

But, the thing is, I really want to get close to him. I never raised a boy and not that I want to raise him, I just want to love him. I wish my daughter would just grow up already and realize that not everyone wants to bring her harm and that she doesn't have to lie to people.. I don't like liars! She's never been a good judge of character and she will only befriend the truly nightmarish people that make the worst choices for themselves. She has no goals in life, she gripes because she doesn't have anything and that she can't get a good job, yet she has no education and has no intention of getting one.

I may have lived my whole life with ADD and I may have made rash, impulsive and pathetic choices for my own life, but at least I had goals for myself. It took a couple of failed marriages and 4 screaming girls to wake my pitiful a&& up and put me on the right track. I hope that she figures things out before she gets comfy in a life that closely resembles the life I have fought hard to get rid of.

I pray for my kids nightly and I pray that they try to make good choices in life. I don't see it coming too quickly for the oldest one though!

The life I wanted for my kids is the very life they keep saying they don't want!
But if they're truly my children, they will wake up in 10 years and reqret the choices they have made for themselves and they will realize that it may be too late to get all the things they should have strived for 10 years earlier!

shoulda, coulda, wouldas........

I hate those!

the one thing I had hoped I could do for my kids was save them from a life like I have lived, and they fight me every step of the way, they don't want my help and they seem to think they can do it on their own...

I'm living proof kids should not try things on their own without consulting the experts first.......

I'm the "poster child" for "Oh my Gosh, don't do that!"

But, I sure would like to get to know that little guy better before his momma potentially ruins his cute little life!


Friday, September 21, 2007

When family members become strangers

When family members become strangers

My mother was the baby of 7 children, my father was 1 of 7 children and when the families gathered together, it was the biggest party this side of the Mississippi!

My maternal grandmother's 80th birthday party was held in a park and over 200 people attended her party, it was at the same park on the same day as the Monsanto Corporation's company picnic and I bet we had more people at our party than they did theirs...

When my maternal grandmother passed away, attending her funeral was like attending the funeral of John F. Kennedy, the cars went on forever. I was 23 years old and I was 8 months pregnant with my youngest child. I still remember all of it. I rained so hard and we were all soaking wet, crying over our greatest loss and freezing cold in the middle of March. The gathering afterward was at the Masonic lodge, everyone was mourning our most favorite person in our own way, some were laughing, some were getting blitzed, some were crying and some were just in shock. Grandma was 90 years old when she passed away, that was in March of 1993. It's 14 years later and it hurts every bit now as it did on that day in March 1993.

She was the center of the family, anything and everything went through her! She was the very foundation that kept our family together....

Now, there's no one who fills that position. All of the family is strung out all over the country, there's no more family reunions, there's no more communication between the family members...

Its like we've all broken off into our own "pods" and the link has been broken.
All of the cousins have lost touch and we've all become strangers.

On my father's side though, my paternal grandmother is still living, she's 91 years old and she's "the link" of that side of the family. With the exception of one of her daughters, she keeps in touch with all of the family members on my father's side.

Its heartbreaking to think that when she passes, that link will also break.

They say you can't go back home and for the most part, I don't really have any desire to return to the house on Oak Drive, but, I wish I could return to the days where family was family and not strangers.

I see it happening with my own family, my daughters have all "flown" the nest and only my youngest remains in my choice!

I love my girls and I miss them greatly. I feel as though I haven't completed my job of raising my girls and I wish I could change that. But there's just nothing left that I can do. They're gone...mentally and physically.

I know that I won't see my 90th birthday like my grandmothers have, and I also know that I won't be the "link" for my children like my grandmothers were to their children. We're not the same and I didn't raise my kids like my grandparents raised theirs.

Its sad really, I wanted more out of life than this where my kids are concerned.

Things change, times change and people change, this I know, but when...when do we get back to the good stuff and when do the strangers become family members again?

I'm a stranger to my parents, my brothers and my children.

My family of children has now become my family of pets...and my family "fun time" includes frisbee throwing, throwing sticks for my dog to fetch and sitting in the living room watching adult "cartoons" such as South Park and Family Guy!

There's no more dinners at the kitchen table, it just sits there collecting dust and my house has adopted barking instead of laughter.

My minivan has been replaced by my Jeep, the bicycles have been replaced by 4-wheelers and the swimming pool rarely has anyone swimming in it.

I miss some things, but some other things I'm glad are more fighting, no more loud music and no more demanding that chores be done.

I miss the hugs and kisses, I miss the crowd of neighborhood kids that adopted me as their 2nd mom and I miss the halloween parties. I miss the table full of food at Thanksgiving and I miss the home-made christmas gifts and mother's day gifts.

I don't miss the phone ringing night and day and I don't miss the 4-hour, hand cramping sessions of doing the "do's" up for dances at school and I don't miss the dirty dishes in the sink and I don't miss the ungodly amount of trash to clean up the day after christmas.

I do however miss "my family".

have a great weekend

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Floating on Cloud 9; Feeling Euphoric!!!

TLOML is just utterly amazing!!! He knows what I want and what I like....I love that most about him!!

Our 5th year anniversary is coming up...we've officially been dating for 5 years come October 4th....

So, even though he is a truly awesome gift giver, I decided to give him a little help this year...immediately following our anniversary comes my birthday and then a couple months later its Christmas...

Being the Ram's fan that I am, I came home from work unhappy because the Rams lost the game today :( though all is not lost, first game stuff...I forgive them and remain truly dedicated! I've decided to give the smilin jeep a new look for the Ram's festive season and I started shopping for Ram's jeep gear...

With B/F beside me we shopped for some things to deck out Miss Jeep...we picked out all the goodies and ordered them...I told him that this can be my "anniversary" present...of course..that kind of offended him because he loves to shop for me..
and....I'm pretty spoiled!!

Anyways..he asked me if I wanted my "other" gift right now..he's so cute..he can't ever wait to give me gifts and sometimes he wraps them and immediately starts tempting me...of course I can always wait..but he can', I started telling him the usual "no, I can wait" but he kept on, so I said okay hoping he would fake me out and tell me, "no, we better wait"...I just love him...but he didn't do that..he actually gave me the gifts that he ya he can't wait..

2...count them, 2 tickets to the Rams/Green Bay game...MY TWO FAVORITE TEAMS!!!! playing together again here in St. Louis!!!

I'm sooooooo lucky!!!!

But of have to know the story...
On my birthday a couple years ago...the Rams played Green Bay here in St. Louis...
Fate right? right!! now, B/F is NOT a sports fan!! at all!!! but he surprised me with 2 tickets to that game and he went with me!!! now that's a big deal for him!!
It even shocked his family...he used to play hockey in school years ago..but he didn't like to watch when he would buy me hockey tickets, I would have to take a friend...but football...he can't stand it and it's his greatest napping opportunity on Sunday's while I'm watching the game...

So...imagine my surprise when he whipped those bad boys out at me!!! oh yeah..he scores!!! TD ML!!! Plus...he's even going with me... 2 TD's ML!!! oh yeah!!

Now...traditionally, he gives me fine fine jewelry...and I love it...but I like this too...and, like the spoiled rotten brat of a G/F that I am....I still have my birthday and Christmas coming up!! :)

I told him 5 years ago to NOT spoil me...but he did it anyways, he knows that he does it and I really think he enjoys it!!

And frankly...I must do I...

We have had a lifetime of hardships in past relationships where we've been with extremely shallow, demanding and downright selfish when we started dating, we both set our rules, expectations, needs and so forth...and we've kept to 99% of everything we set for ourselves and for each other...we both have 2 jobs, we both are very committed to each other and we both take care of each other very, if I really sound like a spoiled brat...maybe I am in a way....but I also don't sit on my rear end being lazy, rude, demanding and selfish!!!

And...maybe its the fact that we spoil each other that keeps our relationship far above all the rest that are failing!!! We started our relationship out with no money in our pockets, run-down vehicles and horrible past experiences...and we've worked hard to keep our dreams in focus so that they could become reality...we push each other to be the very best we can be in everything we do!

talk about fulfillment!!! are the greatest!! I love you with all my heart...Happy 5th Anniversary Baby...I still "LIKE" you...I said I would marry you in 5 years if I still LIKED you!!! So...Will you continue to take naps on the couch while I watch football on Sundays .....for as long as we both shall live??? :)

kT and her temporarily renovated "Rams" jeep

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I was such a slug today...but had great thoughts!

Today, I sat in my recliner surfing the net, playing online with the tv in the background...the phone was j.j....he's a jeep owner too...his jeep looks very similar to mine...some modifications on his that make it look rather dashing...
while his jeep is more masculine than my "girlified" smilin jeep, they are the same year, same midnight blue...etc...we didn't work at the same place, but we parked our jeeps in the same parking lot and after I left that "parking lot" for another, he continues to park there...his lone little jeep that can no longer admire the smilies on my jeep's rear end... :) must be pretty sad now that he's all alone out there...
anyway...I was telling him that the front windshield folds forward and I was asking him if he knew how to put it down...he didn't know, but he consulted another cool jeep owner and that owner says that once you fold the window forward, when you put it back in place it will leak...that came as quite a let down for me...cause I was really excited to learn how to fold it forward...that bites!!!

I'm really into my lil smilin jeep, its totally cool! Just one day, I would love to drive her without her doors and completely topless...(the jeep topless, not me)...
tho the thought does, I wouldn't do that...

I can't wait until the lease is up though so I can go and buy one outright so I can play....

I'm so excited though, don't you love it when you talk to someone who's totally as excited about something as you are? Its so great!! I feel so energetic about jeeeeepin....I'm so ready...

Brought back some wonderful memories about the Canadian River, spinning the wheels in the sand and no seatbelts in the old rusty orange jeep and going full speed down an incredibly steeeeeeep hill, bouncing all over in the front seat...all the while being just a tad bit poluted!! I couldn't wait to get down to the bottom of the hill so we could go up and do it a rush...that's what turned me on to jeeps, what a fun time being with such a rowdy croud....thanks for some great fun L.L.....wherever you are!! The young cowboy punks of yesteryear were so exciting and fearless...

Shame on me...I shouldn't have went there the first I'm going back...bad kT...bad!!!

boys are stinky! stay away from boys!!


Tuesday, September 4, 2007

I'm soo home!!! yay!!

I have finally come to my couple of days off!!! I'm so excited...When I left the other position, I had all this free time, so I signed up with the PRN position and then, when choosing my days of orientation for the new position, I had to choose 3 12 hr I had 6 days of work, then off 1 day, then worked 2 more days, now I get 2 days off then go back for 3 more days...I'm so exhausted!!

Grandma's party was a hit!! She was so excited!! She asked me why I was so late arriving...first of all, I was told the party began after 3 pm...I didn't show up until about 4:15ish...but that's after 3...I told her that I was told that the party didn't start until after 3 and that I had some stuff to do...I told her that I washed the "smilin jeep" and took the top down in hopes that she would go for a ride with dice...she's laughed aunt said that she wouldn't ride with me because her hair would get messed up...I said, "her hair is only 2 inches long all around!" what's to get messed up about it???

anyways...she's so adorable...92 and still in her right mind!!

Monday, I had to work at the PRN job, and I came about a surprising fact!! I have no friends!! I have many acquaintences.. but no friends!!

The girl I worked with asked me if I was going to go eat some BBQ after work..I looked at her in a very puzzled manner and she returned the puzzled look back to, "why is that an odd question for a Labor day?"...I said, "I'm going home to get some sleep because I have to work tomorrow!".. she said, you're not going to cook? I said, "no...I don't cook anymore hardly" there's just me and my's hard to cook for 2 people when you're talking about BBQ...

she said, "isn't there someone out there to cook for you? friends, family??" I said, "no!" ...hmmmm wow..what an awakening...

I have tons of's that I had seen on Sunday...but no friends...

hmmm...odd isn't it?

have a great week everyone!