And The Angel of Death Appeared......

The man I met nearly 39 years ago was young, strong and devoted to his new family.
He had a son and a brand new daughter and didn't have a clue as to what was in store for the rest of his life. He lived each day the best he could while providing for his family and had all the best of intentions.

He had high hopes and big dreams. I don't know that everything worked out as planned for him throughout his life, but I do know that ultimately, he was happy.

He trotted along through life until he hit the "ultimate speedbump" called cancer.

He hadn't planned his life for that diagnosis, not that anyone actually can plan for that, but he took the news of his cancer very hard. Through tests and tests and more tests, the physicians thought that it would be easy to cure him. He believed in the doctors. Who wouldn't believe in the doctors if the doctors themselves sound convincing?

After the lobectomy, his physicians recommended prophylactic chemotherapy to make sure the cancer didn't return. Through the chemo, my father knew he would never return to work. He knew he would never drive a Greyhound bus again and he knew, ultimately, he would not survive this battle.

I've seen people with lung cancer not make it a year after diagnosis and I feared that my father knew what he was saying was truth.

I quietly began my mourning process after his chemo began. My father didn't weigh much to begin with and through his battle with cancer, his weight began to dwindle even more.

When you're outside looking in, the view from the window is heartbreaking. You know that what you see is very disturbing and ugly and that the tornado brewing inside is going to tear your world apart.

You can never fully prepare yourself for loosing a loved one. You can always think about how you will react, what you will say or think and what you will do, but it never goes the way you imagine it.

I always thought I would be old when my father passed away, he was supposed to be well into his 80's.

But just like you can never plan your kids life, you can't plan your parents death!

After all, who in their right mind would want to plan their parents death long before it had to be done?

My father came off the ventilator at 08:40 Wednesday, and according to all the text book theories, he shouldn't have lasted 4 hrs. He lasted 28 hrs in all. He had a good day Wednesday, he woke up from the sedation and he talked to us, he laughed with us, he wrote things down on paper, little things that he was trying to say but was too weak to say loudly. He asked me if he was dying.....I said, well, I don't know if you're dying, but you're sure having a hard time living...I said that he had a rough night and that he gave us a scare and that's why we were there crying at his bedside. I asked him if he felt like he was dying and he said yes....(yes, I'm tearing as I type this...). The priest came and gave him his last rites and he was conscious for all of it. He prayed with us and then he fell asleep for a little while. He woke up again and asked what happened to him. I explained to him that he had his lung repaired after it collapsed and that he developed pneumonia and that's why he was in the ICU. I told him what day it was and the date and explained to him that he slept through his 41st anniversary with mom. She was there with me. My brothers called and spoke to him through the phone and told him that they loved him and my older brother told him that he was going to drive up from Austin with my nephew. He said okay.

As the day went on, he napped and woke up and he stayed awake from 6 pm til my brother arrived at 11 pm.

My brother, mom, cousin and nephew stayed with him until after 1 am. I asked him not to scare us that night and we agreed that we would have a better night.

My brother, nephew, mom and cousin left to get some sleep. I stayed all night with him knowing that the angel of death was sitting in the room with us.

Dr. B came in at 6 am and woke me up to talk to me about possibly hospicing him or moving him to another floor where he could just be in a regular room. I informed him that I would speak to my mother about that and then we would call him around 8:30 am.

He slept very comfortably that night on an Ativan drip and had no morphine from 1 am on.

My mother arrived around 8:30 and we sat with him until 9 am when the lady from hospice came in. She was really nice and she began setting everything up for him to be moved to a hospice facility. The MD from hospice came in and saw my father and agreed to take him on. Around 11 am the lady from hospice came back with some forms for my mother to fill out and she went outside to discuss it all. The RN came in and at that moment my fathers sats started dropping as well as his heart rate. I asked the RN to get my mother because it was time....

The time had started for my father...we cried at his bedside and we waited for him to make his final departure.

We phoned my brother and he and my cousin and nephew came up to the hospital to be with him.

It was a long and gruesome battle for a very frail and weak man. He fought to the bitter end.

After 28 hours off the ventilator, the Angel of Death appeared and carried my father from misery and pain to a home of eternal peace and happiness!

My father: my mother's husband, the world's greatest Cardinals Baseball fan, a die-hard boyscout, a Greyhound Bus Driver, a beloved grandfather and great-grandfather, uncle, nephew, son, brother and friend is gone.

I know he is in a much better place, but that won't stop me from missing him and wishing he was alive and well and with my mom....

My mother was by his side the whole way, she was attentive and loving and hurting so much watching her husband of 41 years suffer like he did..

We are all relieved that his suffering is over....

But man....This Freakin Sucks!!!!

I know I couldn't keep him, he wasn't mine to keep. God loans the flesh but owns the soul in all of us and when we love someone, we tend to get a little possessive...

God is the only one who can be possessive...

I love God and I'm glad he has my dad!!!

I would like to personally thank God for giving me one last time to talk with, laugh with and love on my dad!!!

Dad, I will always love you and I will never forget you!!!

Love always...
Me

And the clock ticks on....

I arrived into Texas Sunday morning at 4:30 am. I had no problem making the last 2 hours of the 12 hr drive because I cried practically the whole way from the Texas border to my mother's front door. I cried because I just wanted dad to hang in there until I arrived. I didn't want to not be able to say goodbye.

I don't know what its like to live without a father and I'm not ready to live without my dad. He's always been there even though he was over the road a lot.

I remember back when I was 16, I had a teacher that I truly adored, she was great and she taught English Lit. America was at war, and I don't remember now with what country, but my teacher came in commenting how she gave America a week and we would all be dead. This, shouldn't have been said, but stuck with me through the rest of that day and all night. I woke up just fearful that what she had said was truth...
I went into mom and dad's room crying because I feared what she said may come true. I told my father what she said and he put his arm around me and said.."That country is about the size of the state of Georgia, they can't possibly have the strength to abolish all of America!" He said that I shouldn't worry about that stuff and "America will make it past the millennium!"

He was right...and he made me feel so much better....

I was so tired when I got here Sunday and I talked to my mother about my father's condition and we cried a bit, I fell asleep for about one hour and then we drove up to the hospital to see dad.

I work around ventilators everyday and I suction patients, talk to them, joke with them, etc...but nothing prepares you for seeing your father on a ventilator!

I just wanted to cry some more...and I did...

We spoke to the Dr. that morning and he showed us the x-rays and the ct of dad's lung. Dad has virtually no left lung. It is supposed to be working, but for whatever reason, its not. The right lung is completely whited out with pneumonia/infection. The ventilator was in the control mode, he was on 60% fio2 and his peep on 5, tidal volume of 400. His saturations were at the time fluctuating between 89% and 96%. He was awake and agitated. The doctor recommended 3 - 4 days to see if the antibiotics could kick in and help resolve the pneumonia. I agreed to that.

The next couple of days were just plain hell with dad, the nurses couldn't keep him sedated and balance his pressures and heart rate. I was so concerned because how can he fight pneumonia if he's agitated, in pain and without adequate pain control. They had him on a special mattress that turned to help drain his lungs. He didn't care for that mattress and the agitation just seemed to get worse when the mattress turned.

We don't have those mattresses at our hospital and so when I see complete white out of the lung, pretty much, the patients don't survive it.

But they spoke so highly of the mattress, so I felt okay giving him the extra couple of days.

Yesterday was mom and dad's 41st anniversary. I didn't know if it would be a great time to "give them a card"....I didn't know how to deal with that...
obviously neither did any one else....she hasn't received a single card in the mail wishing them a "happy anniversary"....

How sad!!!!

Last night, I spoke with the doctor on my mother's behalf, there's no change in the x-ray or ct scan....

He asked us not to make any rush decisions and talk it over with the rest of the family. I said okay, and I told him that because of their anniversary, I wasn't going to make any decisions...

So, mom and I finished our visit with dad and because of the weather, we left a little early. It was raining pretty hard outside and we drove around to the parking garage and ducked in out of the rain. We just sat in a parked car crying our eyes out....its time...its time to stop his suffering...

We know that it could take weeks to fight off this pneumonia possibly risking and battling other types of crisis along the way. We know that his lack of weight is an absolute factor and we know that he's beginning to become edematous.

We know all of the risks. But still, we don't want to choose this...we don't want to face the inevitable...no one wants to face it..

Dad can answer our questions with a shaking of the head or motion of the hands...

How can you elect to terminate life support for someone, when on the support he's on, is in his right mind?

We know if we remove the ventilator, his lung can't take over, it would wipe him out quickly....

His passing might kill us! At least that is what it feels like....

Time is starting to slow down for me. Every time I look at my watch, its like time just goes by so slowly...

Today, we went for the 8 am visiting hours, and my mother had to stop in the hallway of the ICU...she couldn't go any further, she couldn't breathe, her heart was beating so fast....she just had to stop...

I know its not easy for her, its not easy for me either...but, we are now face with a decision none of us want to make...

When faced with such a decision, you must review your options carefully and with strength and compassion make that decision....

Fuck that!!! This hurts!!!

It seems as though the only thing left to pray for is for his heart to stop and for God to take him like that so that we don't have to make this decision..

I don't want to kill my father!!!
I don't want to watch him suffer either.....

tick tock tick tock tick tock..........

kT

Forgot to mention in the last post....

Today, I have to see my grandmother (92 years old, with a cast on her left leg) that her son is in the hospital and may not make it through this round....

Oh how I wish I had life's remote control...either to fast forward through the pain or rewind to prevent pain...

hmmmmm...

may I never forget how I feel at this very moment...

kT

Addictions and the price you pay.....

Every one is an addict!

Dictionary dot com describes Addict as:

1. a person who is addicted to an activity, habit, or substance: a drug addict.
–verb (used with object)
2. to cause to become physiologically or psychologically dependent on an addictive substance, as alcohol or a narcotic.
3. to habituate or abandon (oneself) to something compulsively or obsessively: a writer addicted to the use of high-flown language; children addicted to video games.

Personally, I prefer #3 as the correct and most precise definition...
So then, do you, or can you say, "Every one is an addict"?

I would tend to say "no" at first reading of that definition...however, when you read that definition over and over, it makes complete sense!

If every one is an addict, then the question remains, "What are you addicted to?"

My father is addicted to alcohol and nicotine...my mother, though she may not admit it, is addicted to spending money...mostly in small increments like shopping, eating out at restaurants, etc...but non-the-less, she still can't save money...

I can say the same about myself as far as the nicotine addiction and the spending money addiction...

Yes, I'm an RT, yes I know first hand what smoking does, yes I know all of that, but still, I remain addicted...I've tried several times in the past year to quit smoking, especially when I found out that dad had lung cancer..I'm ashamed of my habit, I can control it when I'm working, I never smoke when I work!

I do however smoke 2 cigarettes on the way to work, and 12.5 hours later on my way home, I have 2 more cigarettes and when I get home, depending on the weather is how much more I smoke at home. I don't smoke in the house and neither does my boyfriend.

We are very sad people! I've allowed the nicotine to take over and control me! This, I don't deny...

Again, I say, I'm very ashamed of myself and want desperately to quit! I've tried the patches, I've tried the gum and I've also tried Chantix...

The only thing left to try is removing my fingers and suturing my mouth shut!!!!!

My father, in December, had his left upper lobe removed because of cancer, in March, he had chemotherapy...all the while, continuing to smoke!

Monday (6/16/08) my father had his right lung adhered to the chest wall to keep it from collapsing, still desiring a cigarette..."smoke 1 for me" he said....

Thursday, he began having trouble breathing and was in pain from the surgery...Friday, they placed him on BiPap and did a CT of his chest...all the while, he struggled to breathe even while on BiPap....

Today is Saturday and the doctor has decided to intubate and ventilate him stating to my mother that the CT scan shows complete "opacification" or white out of the right lung(the good lung) and he's on antibiotics because they don't know if its pneumonia or an infection in that lung...they've written off his left lung because it didn't expand like expected after the lobectomy and isn't working properly at this point.

I know he doesn't have much time left, I've known for sometime that he's been living on "borrowed" time because of his "4 pack per day" habit...

I also know that that will also be my fate if I don't quit smoking right now...
I know that every time I "choose" to light up!

This weekend has been difficult for me because I know that without the ventilator, my father is "gasping" for every breath! It breaks my heart to know he's suffering like that.

How much time he has left? I don't know. How long should he stay on the ventilator? I don't know...

Its always different when its "your" family member...
I always tell my patient's family members that the decision is theirs as to how long things like this should go on and I know first hand what the end result is...
"Terminate life support"....

Terminate life support but don't let them suffer....what the hell does that mean anyway?? if you terminate life support, you are basically taking away any decent breath they could possibly get and leave them with only shallow, insufficient breathing...which then creates an increased work of breathing which then creates an increased cardiac workload...and then really, are they not suffering???


I think they are...why can't the heart quit first? why, physiologically, does the breathing have to cease before the heart in this case?

So what is the price one pays for addiction?

Is it easily categorized as what you pay for cigarettes your whole life? Or what you spent on alcohol this year? Or is it how much you've gambled away at craps before you sought help in a rehab facility?

Then do you count your health care? Dr. appointments,lab work, etc. How much the ICU costs per day with the ventilator? Or the price of rehab? or whatever..

How about what it costs to family members? The prayers being said even though you know your prayers are in vain? Ultimately everyone knows the outcome of nicotine/alcohol addiction....

The wife loses out on earned wages sitting at the bedside of her dying nicotine/alcohol addicted husband. Their children sitting by the phone waiting to get the call that all life for their father has ceased...and they have to take off work to be by their mother's side and pay their respects to their father.

The funeral expenses incurred, the phone bills to let all the other family members know the inevitable outcome.
Can you put a price tag on all the tears that have been shed by all who loved that person?

We all lose! We all suffer and we all pay a hefty price!

"Its my body!"
"I'm not hurting anyone but myself"
"It doesn't control me"
"I can quit whenever I want"
"Its nobody's business what I do"

Yeah Right!! ...Whatever!!!

Its my dad's body that my mother will be burying soon.
His 3 kids are hurting.
It did control him
He didn't quit
Mom has to make decisions regarding his health care now because he can't!

What is it that controls your life? What will that cost you? Who are you hurting?
How will they deal with that? Who will care for you when you can no longer care for yourself?

I don't want to end up where my father is now!!!

The time to quit is now...not tomorrow...

I don't want to be addicted to nicotine anymore...

But I now understand my father's addiction and I can relate...I'm still ashamed of myself for being so weak!

"Clicking my heals together 3 times and saying"
I want to quit smoking
I want to quit smoking
I want to quit smoking...

It worked for Dorothy when she wanted to go home, but, it's not helping me a damn bit!!


kT

I'm back to busy again...

Grandma is back in the hospital, she fell and broke her leg, she's rehabbing right now, learning how to walk again and in all that jazz my dad's lung troubles continue, his left lung is bad right, and Thursday, his right lung collapsed. For the third time, his right lung collapsed. We almost lost him. I drove out here to be with my mom and dad, they put him on a ventilator and he stayed on a ventilator over 24 hrs. They took him off the ventilator and kept him in the hospital with the chest tube in while they debated what to do. In the meantime, they moved him out of ICU and put him in a regular room. Today they will do the surgery, they will adhere the lung to the chest wall to keep it from collapsing.

He only weighs 84 pounds and he is very weak, so I'm worried about the outcome of this surgery...

anyways, just to keep you all posted, I wanted to let you know what was going on...
take care and wish us luck!

kT