Knowledge = Power, Power = Danger

Now this may just be the ADD shining through, but I believe I'm missing a very crucial part of my brain, you know, the very one that links "knowledge" with "what to do with the knowledge you have"...

Let's say for a moment, that you win a million $$$, what would you do with it?

As easy of a question as that one appears to be, really, it's very difficult to answer! I'd like to think that I would know what to do with it, but even now as I write this post, I could tell you a thousand different things that I would like to do with a million $$$, but when it comes right down to having the cash in hand...would you think again?

Would you create a list of things to do first and foremost?

Or would you just go crazy and spend the whole lot?

Over a period of what now amounts to my "current" lifetime of almost 4 decades...
I've come across knowledge...first at home..then at school, then through life, more school, more life etc...

Everyday, you add another piece to the puzzle of "knowledge"...do you know how to apply that piece? where it fits, what it belongs to?

I'd like to think that all of life is a puzzle..and when all the pieces of the puzzle are in place, then life as we know it would be complete and would end...

Unfortunately, life isn't that type of puzzle if it's a puzzle at all...

As an RT, I see many lives that touch my own, and in seeing those lives, the one's that sometimes are close to ending, I wonder if their "puzzle" is complete..
Did they do/see/feel/experience all they were supposed to? Were their lives cut short unexplainably?

Patient A is such a cute little older man, has an adorable wife who religiously sits at his side during the worst possible time of his/their life. She's dedicated, comes early and leaves late, they have children/grandchildren, siblings etc..

She's very devoted to him! Talks sweetly to him, smiles at him, caresses his cheek.
She knows all about him since the day they married, best and worst. He probably doesn't even really know what's going on right now. She monitors his tube feedings, I&O's, every needle stick...everything...
She recognizes every scar, every new bruise, skin tear and what-have-ya...

She tells me every time there's an "event" that doesn't sit well with her about his care...the very care that happens after she's gone and before she returns....

She's afraid to do anything about it, she's too scared to report these findings for fear of retaliation against her husband after she leaves..

Often times, I can only suggest to her to report it, because if she doesn't, then I have to! I don't care to report the ugliness that goes on behind her/my back when we're gone...especially when it's caused by my co-workers....but I have reported it...it continues to happen...little bruises here and there, skin tears, blemishes on his face from what looks like his face pushing into the side rails of the bed when he's being cleaned up...screw ups with tube feedings and flushes..etc..

She hates that her husband has to endure this type of pain..the pain most times caused by shear carelessness...

CoWorker A-Z minus Me - "why does she let this man endure this...why doesn't she just let him go, we can't wean him, he'll never come off this ventilator...what is she thinking?" and "Why doesn't the MD's inform her that he's vent dependent?"

So, here I sit, with all this knowledge...not knowing what to do..what to say

But I know what I see, hear, feel and sense...

I see my life years from now...devoted to the love of my life, not wanting to let go for fear there may be one last good day I have to spend with him..one more hour/minute or even second for that matter...

Knowing what I know, seeing what I see and doing what I do...I can say all I want to that I would not do this to the one I vow or promise to love til death do us part...
but when it comes right down to it...to LOVE...what would you do for the one you LOVE?

Would you hang on...or would you let go?

Sounds easy...but is it really?

I've known the love of my life since I was 14 years old...we only started dating 5 years ago and I can say easily right now that I would never want him to endure this kind of "hell"...I can say right now that I would love him enough to let him go and I can tell you right now that I couldn't be so selfish to keep him on a vent for an extended period of time just because I'm not ready to let go yet...


But right now, he's not ill...right now, we're still sort of young..

I love him, I cherish him, he's my strength, he's my best friend and to be honest, if/when the day ever comes that he becomes ill...will I end up just like patient A's wife?

I don't know!

But one thing I do know...patient A's wife loves patient A...for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for as long as you both shall live...What God hath joined together, let NO MAN put asunder!
not even kT

Good Night and God Bless
kT