Level of Excitement = HIGH!

I'm strictly running on pure adrenaline these days and I can tell because my HR is steadily at 100bpm and I haven't slept well in almost 2 weeks...I'm so tense but its a good kind of tense...I'm excited about this new job and I'm excited that I actually have something to contribute for once...

I came home early from the PRN job today hoping to get a nap in, (no dice there) and I'm still pretty tired though I managed to get 1 hr of sleep in..we have a new supervisor at the PRN job, he seems really nice and he had quite a bit to say and that's good in my opinion, its nice to see someone projecting activity and interest in the goings on in the department. I'm excited for him in that maybe he can turn the place around and make some much needed positive changes, kinda air out the place and give it a new "paint job"....

I'm lacking creativity though this week, maybe its all the natural adrenaline mixed with the Adderall XR, who knows...but I'm not writing near as much and I'm not getting the inspirations anymore, but it will come soon I'm sure...


My YaYa will be 92 years old next week and her celebrations begin this weekend, the only day I have off officially and I wouldn't want to spend it any other way...
So happy birthday YaYa, I'm so proud of you and I love you very much!

I haven't listened to a word of my Greek tapes and my dog has somehow lost her frisbee so she's a bit blue..but we'll find time to find the frisbee this week as well as get in some more language lessons

Everything else is going on alright...My older brother though suffered a bit this week, he is an exceptionally smart fellow and he has done some wonderful things in his life but he was wanting to take some courses at his local community college...the very one that he has been teaching summer courses at for years, anyways he applied to take these courses but found out that he didn't graduate from high school???? go figure...23 years after his diploma was handed to him they tell him he didn't graduate..?? My mother found his diploma and hopefully he'll be able to straighten this out...It just bewilders me that they issue him a diploma, based of course on credits needed to "graduate" and then 23 years later state that he didn't have enough credits...lucky for him he married an attorney...maybe he has a bit of power I hope...they should have told him that before he entered 12th grade..I would think..but...who am I?

Anyways, since I didn't "graduate" technically from school, I was forced out of high school because I was 16 and a single mother making high marks in school, my then assistant principle didn't like that about me, he basically told me I needed to go home and be a better mother to my child...of course he told a couple other people that as well...I got my GED 2 years after my intended graduation date and I earned an Associates degree for Respiratory later in life...(the first one in my family to obtain an actual college degree) My younger brother though is basically your average "genius" photographic memory never picking up a book in school and acing all his classes makes me sick kinda guy...this is funny, he graduated from high school, attended college but didn't get a degree up til about 2 years ago...he entered college and is now about to complete his bachelor's degree..so not only did he take the lead, he far surpassed me! but we find out that older brother didn't "technically" graduate, so younger brother is on the phone laughing at older brother saying that he, being the youngest of all 3 of us, is the first one to graduate! just ribbing on older brother who at this point is just steaming over this diploma thing..I found out about that and I was kinda laughing but kinda calling little bro a "sh*thead"

I called older brother in attempts to help him figure out what to do, we hang up, then I call younger brother and tell him, "SHAME ON YOU! HOW DARE YOU BE LIKE THAT, HE'S YOUR BROTHER, YOU SHOULD LOVE HIM, HELP HIM IN HIS TIME OF NEED, BE SYMPATHETIC TO HIS SITUATION!" meanwhile...he's laughing hysterically in my ear...I called him an "f'n brat" ....he's still laughing telling me...you know, its funny that we now have all graduated in backwards order if older brother has to re-take his 9th & 10th grade year at 40 years old...which in turn made me laugh because my 2nd daughter will graduate this coming May..she's in her senior year..so now younger brother is really "bustin a gut" laughing..."Hey older brother, your niece graduated before you!"....

Poor guy! I really feel for him and hopefully since mom found his "diploma" maybe he can get this straightened out...it would have had to have been some "clerical error"...

then older brother tells me his intentions are to take some "math" courses...I said, older brother, I thought you knew that 2 + 2 = 4..."smart a**" he said..

Older brother really is a "genius" artist, he's had 3 television shows on cable access, produced a movie that he undersold that eventually made quite a turn out at the box office...(depressing) done some ingenius commercials for his home town, got the mayor of his home town all flustered with his "happy" ending to his first tv show...he's done quite a bit in his life, I'm so proud of him, so as you know, this whole "diploma" thing came as quite a shock!

part of it is still funny..."You mean I've looked up to a "high school dropout" all these years..hehe...jk older brother...

but I told older brother that for years I was the "black sheep" and that everyone laughed at me all those years..no one's laughing now though...except of course younger brother...he's having quite a bit of fun with this one...

good night
kT

Ohhh Sh*%! Is this a sign?

Do you believe in signs?

I do, sometimes I think I do! Do you believe that your life is already laid out for you? Like when your mother sets your clothes out for you on the bed before Sunday School...

I've been dating TLOML for 5, living with him for 4 years. 4.5 years ago Valentine's Day he unexpectedly proposed... :)

I told him 4.5 years ago when he proposed that if I still like him in 5 years we will marry...

Our friends/family hassle us all the time about getting married...

Not my parents of course, they still don't know, I won't tell them because if they knew, they would probably cringe!

Oh God, another marriage..don't you think twice is enough? or something to that effect...

Anyways...Our plan was to fly to Greece to get married and see the village where my Grandfather grew up and see the relatives I've never met...

We were going to go this year but due to circumstances beyond our control, we couldn't make it, so we planned to try again next year..


WELL...

If you haven't heard...Greece is currently on fire....right now...just outside of Athens and in other parts as well. And it deeply saddens me as I consume my days watching on the internet the fires that may destroy the very home I never lived in and the family I've never met...

The thought of seeing Greece, learning the language and eating the food...the night life, the ocean......ohhhh..it is so depressing...I feel so badly..

Is it a sign? I know I've had my reservations about getting married again..
But come on already...this isn't the past...I have the power now to change things and to live how I want, I mean, I'm smarter these days...

A wedding, in Santorini on the beach with the LOML, it all sounds like a dream...
I'm truly afraid to want something that sounds so perfect..

I mean, I have a great life today, a life that I never knew could be so wonderful...

He's so cute...

He laughs at me when I stumble through the greek alphabet and when I answer him in my best though so american tongue...he thinks its so adorable...
I giggle..it probably is, but it makes me happy to learn new things and I pray to "popooey" to help me through it...

My Grandfather spoke 6 different languages...it was so funny when I was a child, he would just babble on on the phone, then he would hang up and call another person and speek in a whole other language..

he died when I was 9...
heart disease..

Anyways, I'm hopeful still..I pray that the fires can all be extinguished...
Que Sera Sera...

I know, it's not greek...but still.. what will be will be!

Pray and get on the plane..!!

Wish us luck!
kT

TGIF! Reflections of the past week

From the time I was 12 years old, I knew I wanted a life and career in medicine!
I could see myself using "those big medical terms" daily and I could see my life in a hospital bringing good news to my patients! I wanted to save all of my patient's lives and I wanted to experience the joy of telling my patients, "You're healed!" I was 12..I didn't understand that no matter what, you can't heal everyone! Some people don't want to be "healed", some people are happy being ill, being able to complain and being miserable...

Today, I realize the earth is full of "seekers"...
knowledge seekers, drug seekers, attention seekers, answer seekers and money seekers etc..the list goes on and on!

This week, I've had the opportunity to meet a few "seekers" and all the while trying to be a "seeker" myself!

I started my new job this week, and I must admit...I was probably a bit over-excited about that! But there's nothing wrong with excitement, and I must say, I was truly amazed with myself...most times, I doubt myself, I don't believe I can do things that I have never done before..but this week, I was quite surprised!

The first position I accepted after I graduated from Respiratory school, I knew I was there to learn stuff...see stuff and do stuff!! I hoped I would see, learn and do amazing stuff! I was excited! I was also doubtful of my abilities and my confidence was low. I didn't learn much there though...

So, I went to the next place...hoping again I was going to see, learn and do amazing stuff! I still wasn't confident...I hadn't learned much from the last place...so, I opened my brain, heart, soul and prepared myself to learn, see and do!

I learned so much, it was so exciting, yet I still lacked self-confidence...I didn't know much at the start, so I couldn't take part in initiating, implementing and suggesting therapies, protocols or anything for that matter...

It's so hard, its so hard learning to walk before you run! it's humbling, humiliating and down right defeating at times!

But, I prevailed in the sense that now, with this new position, I can offer, suggest, implement, initiate and treat! I can do that now! I'm really excited!!!!!!

I'm getting teary eyed writing this! I've come a long way in so little time, and for another time in my life, I'm proud of myself! I like what I've become and in doing that, it brings me to a whole other level of excitement! I'm still learning, and I always will learn new things, BUT, when you're excited about something, learning becomes so easy...remembering things becomes easy!

I've kinda had a rejuvenating week in that I've been able to listen to Pastor Paul every day this week and I've been able to be happy for more than 5 minutes a day and that I'm learning..I love to learn!

Life is extremely good this week! I am so very appreciative of that and I hope that this goodness will last a little while longer!

I'm very happy also to have today off of work so that I can put together and make sense of everything that happened this week!

This week, I've found some of the joys I've been "seeking"..and it feels great!

In learning from Pastor Paul this week, he's teaching about "extreme makeovers" and I've enjoyed being able to see yet again just how the Lord is transforming me into the person he wants me to be!

"Walk in the spirit, get into his word and God will give you power you've never had before!"

I'm ready for "this" new beginning for once in my life...I've started over so many times and each time I was scared and unprepared, but this time...I'm not scared, I'm excited, I'm prepared and it is time to begin the next part of my journey.

Happy Friday everyone!
kT

Quantum Leaping?

Did you ever wish that you could leap into the next phase of your future just to see how life is turning out for you? Sometimes I dream so much bigger than I can really produce! I guess that's the "neurotic" part of the ADD'er that I am.

Today is the end of a 2.5 year chapter in my life! I knew this day was coming because I planned it, I planned it 2 weeks ago when I put in my notice of departure from this position. I guess you could say that it hit me when I took off my name tag and attached it to a piece of paper along with my door/cabinet/elevator keys to turn into HR.

I attended a seminar at the expense and request of the very county I've lived in nearly all my life some years ago, at the end of the 3-day conference, I was handed a beautiful pin that says, "I make a difference". When I took the position I just left, I pinned that pin to my badge so that I could remember to do all that I could to "make a difference".

When I was offered the position (that I left today), it felt like Heaven had opened up the pearly gates and let me in. They picked me, me with barely any respiratory experience, and only a respiratory education that was at the time only 9 months old...

I was so honored that I was chosen for this position. This particular facility in the past would only hire RT's with at least 2 years of experience on the job...I was quite flattered when my 'supervisor' stated that she would be able to train me "her" way..."the company way"...

Sometimes, you're handed "gifts" that later turn out to become "sh*t in a nice box"
I'm sorry to say that, but it sure seems that way at times...

Anyways, I took off that pin from my badge and placed the badge, a form and all 4 keys into an envelope and sealed it to place it in the HR mailbox. Walking away from HR, I looked at the pin and I thought...I didn't do very well here to make a difference...I mean, I'm sure I touched someone's life somewhere out there..but who's life did I make better, who's life did I touch? Where did I really make a difference...cause sometimes you just don't see it...

I can honestly tell you that I "had a hand in" making a difference in someone's life, but I don't think I did it solely!

I want to make a difference, I want to touch just one person's life and make it better, some how, some way...

I've always wanted to be a doctor...I'm still shooting for it...I'm hoping to enter med school in 5 years...I'll be 43 when I enter...some say that's too old to go back to school for such an intense course....but I don't believe that now, I still feel like I have quite a bit of life left and I still want to make a difference...

so, I would love to leap into the future, go forward 6 years and see how far I've come...did I pass my MCAT's? Did I score well? Was I chosen to begin a life of osteopathic medicine?

Or did I end up becoming a drunk? ...hehe...

I wish myself all the best life has to offer, I wish myself the best in everything I do and most of all, where ever I end up, I hope that I'm doing what I love and that I'm making a difference...

The Lord said, "Come, follow me!" and he also said, "Live like I've already given you what you've asked for!"

I trust in that, because in the last 5 years, he's truly shown his presence in my life..directly and matter-of-factly!

He is the way, the truth and the life...I shall follow him and have eternal life!

I will try my best to honor his wishes and to live my life the way he has intended for me to do and I will take comfort in the fact that he's laid out my life for me already and all I have to do is live for him, with him and through him!

Our God is an awesome God..He reigns!

I will make a difference!

I know that now, I'll know that 5 years from now and I probably knew that yesterday!

"May the Lord richly bless you my beloved!" Pastor J. Vernon McGee..

good night
kT

A happy post for once....

I know that when I write things down here in this "blog" it seems as though I'm sad all the time or mad all the time, and that simply isn't true...I'm happy 90% of the time, really I am. I laugh a lot, especially at myself and my dogs...my daughter and the love of my life make me laugh a great deal too! But sometimes I have no place to express all the "not-so-happy" moments and it just seems as though this is a good place to express them so that I can quickly let the bad/sad things go...
I guess you can call this blog my "whipping post" cause that's what it seems like...
A wonderful friend of mine just turned me on to the "Davinci Method", she has ADD too.

I've ordered the book and I can't wait to read it...I've read books before about Adult ADD and I'm sooooooo ADD anyone can tell that! But one of the things she's told me that the book states is that ADD'ers give 100% in the things they do...and...they get frustrated because most normal people only give less than 20% in the things they do...it also states that when an ADD'er isn't doing those things..then, they're completely worthless...!!! which is me again..
I feel as though sometimes I do 250% and because I do that, it takes me a lot longer to do something then any "normal" non-ADD'er...if that makes sense...

She states that the book tries to teach ADD'ers how to live without medication...I don't think for a moment in my chosen career path that I would be very successful without medication...but, I will read it with an open mind!

well, it's late and I'm beat...I'm outta here
goodnight no one!
kT

Well, It's time to say goodbye!

I officially put in my two-weeks notice at my full-time job, I was offered a promising full-time position with a hospital a bit farther away but it's more pay so that should aid in the additional fuel expense.

I started at the soon-to-be former healthcare facility seeking a bit more ventilator experience...I had graduated from respiratory school 9 months prior and the position I accepted right after school had only taught me (in 9 months) how to give 25+ breathing treatments per night on a good night...I did more in clinicals at that facility than I did as an employee...they said it would take approximately 2 years to get into the icu units...I didn't want to lose ALL of what I learned in school, so I headed off to what appeared to be HEAVEN on earth...I spent 2.5 years at the place I'm currently leaving and I learned a great deal...but now, with cutbacks and investors and the you-know-whats...it's just simply time for me to move on...


I believe a great deal in the "steps" of life...the things you wind up doing only so that it may help you in the next part of your journey..

It actually started years ago...I lucked into a "data entry" position, worked there for a while, moved to another position at another company where I got to learn more about accounting work...kinda silly really, but that particular company let me go after only 3 months because they didn't want to pay for my insurance and such...hurt my feelings at the time, but it helped me move on to my next position...etc..

Anyway, ever since I was 12ish, I knew I wanted to be in healthcare...I picked up on medical terms pretty easy and I loved biology...any class I could take where I could dissect creatures..I signed up for...absolutely loved it!!

I had envisioned a life as a physician of some sort my whole teenage years..
But things happen and your life takes a new direction..so hello mommyhood!

When I found a point in my life where I could return to school, I didn't think I could even get back into medicine..but lo & behold...a door opened..I prayed hard during enrollment, I asked God to help me decide if this was truly where I was meant to go...as every door opened, I think the Lord himself was taking on the "mortal gentleman" position of opening the doors for me...which I'm eternally greatful for!

So here I am, working in a field that I truly enjoy..but I'm very limited in what I can and can't do...so, as I enter into my 4th decade...I see that med school is very attainable....I really believe I have a shot...

Here I go...praying equally as hard this time...I take on a new position, one that will allow me to return to school, maybe even paying some of my tuition for me (I hope) so that I can complete my bachelor's degree in science and my five-year plan is to complete the BS and attempt the MCAT's exam...

If all goes well, I will be able to get into the University for the D.O. program...
I sure hope that this is in God's plan for me...but if it's not, then I can and will be happy doing what I'm doing now...

Having my children young, puts me at a great disadvantage...my vocabulary isn't that of my age sometimes and so many things I hear I don't know what they mean...

Even though I'm a bit slow (blonde joke like slow) and having ADD doesn't help, I am going to make the best of it and just keep pressing through..

I trust that the Good Lord will let me know if this isn't in his design or my best interests...

My birth given name means "helper of mankind" and even though I've changed my name legally, the part of "helper of mankind" still holds true!!

Good night and God Bless
kT

Knowledge = Power, Power = Danger

Now this may just be the ADD shining through, but I believe I'm missing a very crucial part of my brain, you know, the very one that links "knowledge" with "what to do with the knowledge you have"...

Let's say for a moment, that you win a million $$$, what would you do with it?

As easy of a question as that one appears to be, really, it's very difficult to answer! I'd like to think that I would know what to do with it, but even now as I write this post, I could tell you a thousand different things that I would like to do with a million $$$, but when it comes right down to having the cash in hand...would you think again?

Would you create a list of things to do first and foremost?

Or would you just go crazy and spend the whole lot?

Over a period of what now amounts to my "current" lifetime of almost 4 decades...
I've come across knowledge...first at home..then at school, then through life, more school, more life etc...

Everyday, you add another piece to the puzzle of "knowledge"...do you know how to apply that piece? where it fits, what it belongs to?

I'd like to think that all of life is a puzzle..and when all the pieces of the puzzle are in place, then life as we know it would be complete and would end...

Unfortunately, life isn't that type of puzzle if it's a puzzle at all...

As an RT, I see many lives that touch my own, and in seeing those lives, the one's that sometimes are close to ending, I wonder if their "puzzle" is complete..
Did they do/see/feel/experience all they were supposed to? Were their lives cut short unexplainably?

Patient A is such a cute little older man, has an adorable wife who religiously sits at his side during the worst possible time of his/their life. She's dedicated, comes early and leaves late, they have children/grandchildren, siblings etc..

She's very devoted to him! Talks sweetly to him, smiles at him, caresses his cheek.
She knows all about him since the day they married, best and worst. He probably doesn't even really know what's going on right now. She monitors his tube feedings, I&O's, every needle stick...everything...
She recognizes every scar, every new bruise, skin tear and what-have-ya...

She tells me every time there's an "event" that doesn't sit well with her about his care...the very care that happens after she's gone and before she returns....

She's afraid to do anything about it, she's too scared to report these findings for fear of retaliation against her husband after she leaves..

Often times, I can only suggest to her to report it, because if she doesn't, then I have to! I don't care to report the ugliness that goes on behind her/my back when we're gone...especially when it's caused by my co-workers....but I have reported it...it continues to happen...little bruises here and there, skin tears, blemishes on his face from what looks like his face pushing into the side rails of the bed when he's being cleaned up...screw ups with tube feedings and flushes..etc..

She hates that her husband has to endure this type of pain..the pain most times caused by shear carelessness...

CoWorker A-Z minus Me - "why does she let this man endure this...why doesn't she just let him go, we can't wean him, he'll never come off this ventilator...what is she thinking?" and "Why doesn't the MD's inform her that he's vent dependent?"

So, here I sit, with all this knowledge...not knowing what to do..what to say

But I know what I see, hear, feel and sense...

I see my life years from now...devoted to the love of my life, not wanting to let go for fear there may be one last good day I have to spend with him..one more hour/minute or even second for that matter...

Knowing what I know, seeing what I see and doing what I do...I can say all I want to that I would not do this to the one I vow or promise to love til death do us part...
but when it comes right down to it...to LOVE...what would you do for the one you LOVE?

Would you hang on...or would you let go?

Sounds easy...but is it really?

I've known the love of my life since I was 14 years old...we only started dating 5 years ago and I can say easily right now that I would never want him to endure this kind of "hell"...I can say right now that I would love him enough to let him go and I can tell you right now that I couldn't be so selfish to keep him on a vent for an extended period of time just because I'm not ready to let go yet...


But right now, he's not ill...right now, we're still sort of young..

I love him, I cherish him, he's my strength, he's my best friend and to be honest, if/when the day ever comes that he becomes ill...will I end up just like patient A's wife?

I don't know!

But one thing I do know...patient A's wife loves patient A...for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for as long as you both shall live...What God hath joined together, let NO MAN put asunder!
not even kT

Good Night and God Bless
kT